life near the candle

Where do I start? …………..   I didn’t expect this semester to be like this.  But how can we expect life to be any certain way?  Am I complaining?  yes and no.   Yes, because this past month has been filled with so much pain, hurt, tears, prayers, loud/emotional prayers, frustration, possibly anger and rest.  No, because I believe that Jesus is doing a work in me and in others.  Though my great grandma died, situations are going on, school is busy, I’m tired, weary, and uncertain on life, God continues on.    I testified in church one Wednesday of Jesus’ faithfulness and how he keeps being there for me.  I’m grateful for those he’s placed in my life.  People I can ask to pray for me.

 I liken this to a candle.  It really hurts to be near the flame.  I hate fire.  but my plastic, metals, and impurities will not burn away unless I’m here.  Jesus, come more and sanctify me all the way through.  Life is not about self preservation.  Jesus, give me the grace to let go and be changed.  “How long Oh Lord?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?”  Ps. 13.  But read the rest of it.  The psalmist declares that he will yet trust in God.  In God’s unfailing love. 

I’m processing life.  Having glimpses of some outcomes and uncertain of others.  Knowing somethings and wonderiing on others.  Not sure what God will do with my new interest in inner city youth/schools.  If that will play out in schoolwork or ministry.  I hate the city, but hearing about what people are doing intrigues me.  That’s what trust is.  Taking one step at a time, until you realize where you are and wonder “how in the world did I get here?”     Trusting that God will work things out in the end.   “Being Confident of this this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  Can I be confident that he will continue to complete his work in me?  I want no less. 

Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely,
And long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion,
My constant Friend is He;
|: His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me. 😐

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free;
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

2. “Let not your heart be troubled,”
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears,
Tho’ by the path He leadeth,
But one step I may see;
|: His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me. 😐

3. Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When song gives place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him;
From care He sets me free;
|: His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

I need a break.  I need to spend some heart time with friends.  I miss my family, yet am glad for what will happen here.   Intervarsity is an excitingly slow process.  God is stirring, but it will be a long process.  One that I’m not sure that I will see.  I’m sad that my time here won’t overlap it.  But my time at Penn is drawing to a close and someone else will continue here. 

You can continue to pray for my peeps.  I want them to know Jesus before I leave, but i’m not sure how to tell them.  My heart longs for them and I feel frustrated becasue I have so short of an influencing time with them.  Provide others, Lord, to carry on. 

So……to close.  Life is difficult.  i’m weary.  But looking for how Jesus is going to continue to work.  His “grace still amazes me”.